Work in Progress after Luis Cook Critique

On Friday I had my animatic reviewed by Luis Cook, director of The Pearce Sisters. The whole session was really useful in making my project better. The comments included that:

The film was a bit confusing and too complicated at points. As it's aimed at younger children, it needs to be much simpler, using a linear narrative.

  Perhaps there are too many characters? Maybe cut-out the toothfairies.

Tilly needs to learn from the actions that happen in the circus, when she enters there, she becomes the adult and knows what to do to solve the issue.

  I began reviewing my notes and wrote a review of the story, making it much more simpler, using elements from earlier story ideas and the current one.

  My current idea is as so:

Tilly is tucked up in bed, the shadow of her mother coming from the door is seen to the right hand side of her bed. Her mother wishes her goodnight and asks if Tilly has brushed her teeth. Tilly lies and says she has, despite the fact she hasn't. Her mother turns out the light and Tilly falls asleep. The circus glows a warm yellow light. A few moments later, the circus begins to beep and flash. Daniel pops up through a hologram asking Tilly to come to the circus immediately. Tilly jumps out of bed, winds the circus up and goes to the circus.

As she enters the Circus, Daniel welcomes her. They walk over to Mark who is cowering in pain, rubbing his cheek. Tilly asks what's wrong. Mark replies with that he has terrible toothache, Daniel interupts by saying there's a big performance tonight and Mark can't do it with toothache! Tilly questions why Mark has toothache, Martina, lurking behind Mark jumps forward and explains why Mark has toothache. Martina saw her brother consume 4 big bags of sweets and didn't brush his teeth! Mark, looking sad, admits it's true and wishes he hadn't done it. Tilly, suddenly jumps with an idea. Let's call Lionel, he'll know what to do!

The gang all shout for Lionel, who scoots in on his unicycle. Jumping off, he asks, what's the problem. Daniel explains Mark has toothache and can't perform with it tonight. Lionel puts on his dentist mask and gloves and has a look. Mark has a nasty green tooth in the back of his mouth. Lionel removes it, leaving Mark feeling instantly better, ready to perform later on. Daniel exclaims at the time, the gang run off to get ready for the show. The gang perform a fantastic show and have a great time. After the show finishes, Tilly says good-bye and is sent home. She wakes up the next day and heads into the bathroom to clean her teeth, having learnt her lesson from Mark.

The End.